February 2009
2 posts
Doggone Role-Playing Games
Today I knocked a glass of water onto the floor in my room, a place which often causes me to have to discipline Bella for peeing indoors. So I said to Bella after this event and out loud, “I wet the floor…Fair is fair. You can punish me if you can think to do it yourself.”
feeling tired at work and even more tired of my...
not wanting to drink another cup of coffee today, i decided to attempt to wake myself like they do in the movies…
so, i went to the bathrooom, leaned over the sink, and threw a cold cup of water onto my face.
it worked or at least i placebo’d myself into making it work.
January 2009
1 post
i may or may not have spent the ride home from...
its hard.
October 2008
11 posts
i feel like a hypocrite drinking coffee on the toilet, but it is delicious. (the coffee not the toilet.)
wooooooooooooof.
amyyy:
“Life is what happens while we’re making plans.”
— Piebald
i normally don’t like to get mixed up in tumblr talking and all that jazz, but the situation is such that i must interject and say something.
good music called, they said:
there was this guy, not sure if you know who he is, john lennon? prob doesn’t ring a bell. anyways, he had this song, beautiful boy, which is...
52:8
woke up yesterday morning, ripped high, to my alarm blaring.
while laying in bed contemplating whether or not to shut off that wretched motherfucker, and that alarm clock is in fact both wretched and a motherfucker, my clock read 52:8.
this confused the fucking shit out of me for at least 3 minutes til i finally decided to turn that biatch off and realized my alarm clock was upside down.
...
“this is an appointment i had long, long before i ever worked here.”
– regarding not going into work the day after my 21st bday (this oct. 23)
“for something that has the word ‘fun’ in it, funerals aren’t...”
a little gem i left myself in my philosophy notes...
“relationship of giving is triadic bc need giver, receiver(lol butt sex), and object”
the power of potsuasion...
i spent the majority of my day today studying for my american philosophy exam tomorrow. when i wasn’t studying, i was eating a meal. i decided to call it a night at exactly 11:57 and promptly shut off the aparment lights and went into my bedroom. i set my glasses down on the nightstand and right as i was about to turn off the lights, my phone rings.
brian: hey man. me: hey b-ri brian:...
the most stereotypical dream movie moment ever
my birthday is coming up soon (oct. 23) AND this was clearly in my subconscious. commence dream:
i’m in a room and my gf tells me she has a surprise for me because its my birthday. woohooooo birthday suprise.
she takes me to the bathroom, and who else is in there? of course, one of her pretty hot friends is in there!
long story short,
literally a second before they both came out naked...
thesophie:
spillyourguts:
Some girls really are offended if a guy asks them if they like it in the butt…. who knew????
They should chill out. Be offended if guys don’t ask and just plunge right in.
So a guy and a girl are doing it doggystyle. The guy keeps thinking about putting it in her butt, but doesn’t. A little while later, after holding himself back for what seemed like an...
Ever find it boring to clean up your place and get ready before your friends are coming over to hang out?
Play this game I played last Thursday before we all went out drinking and bowling.
Leave open beers in random spots in your apartment(or house.) Preferably, delicious, ice cold beer. Now carry on as you normally would cleaning and getting dressed, etc.
The game is very simple:
Every time...
“my nipple can grow a beard, but i can’t”
– my thoughts while looking at my nipple today.
September 2008
11 posts
coworker: Michael Bennett, a very nice and proper black, Jehovah’s wittness who listens to soft jazz.
Today he answered his phone, ”Yes this is brother Bennett.”
I can only assume he didn’t mean brother “like, an actual brother, but meant it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.”
real life is so boring.
conversation in real life:
gf’s mom: how do you like her monroe? me: yeah i like it.
conversation in my head:
gf’s mom: how do you like her monroe? me: well i think it looks really cute but she had to stop giving me head the other day cause it was getting uncomfortable cause of the monroe. so final answer: no, no i don’t like it at the moment. do you think thats wrong?...
Pen-ted up Racism
problem: i get to my american philosophy class and realize i dont have any writing utensils.
solution: ask the black chick sitting behind me for a pen.
woohoo got a pen for class.
i made a mental note to make sure i gave the pen back to her since she was kind enough to lend it to me and i had never even spoken to her.
problem: at the end of class, the seat directly behind me was empty!
two...
Lazy meme Monday
johnbrissenden:
thesophie:
errorgorilla:
thesophie:
johnbrissenden:
OK, so it’s Monday for pretty much all of us right now. Same shit, different week and most of us are pissed off at a) the bailout and/or b) being passed over YET AGAIN for a primetime Emmy™. So, as a low-effort distraction, here’s a lazy meme for you.
One of the best things about The Simpsons is the pun-laden spoof...
great success.
i just finished setting up my tabletpc to dual boot windows and OSX with tablet functionality on both!!!!!!!!
“honk if you got a badonkadonk.”
– a bumper sticker on a car in front of me at a t-intersection stop sign. i read the bumper sticker and immediately let myself indulge in the intentional miscommunication i was going to send her. i promptly beeped as cars whizzed across the intersection clearly blockign her view. she looked in the...
embarrassingly punny.
given the right situation, my your mind will say some weird shit. example:
walking out of quikcheck with my philosophy book (on Charles Sanders Peirce) and i saw this rather attractive chick and i said to myself “i’d peirce that ass”
did i really use a philosopher’s last name as a sexual verb? i think i did.
August 2008
2 posts
me: man i just sneezed everywhere
marc: dude no fucking way so did i
me: thats the bee's sneeze!
me: wow, tacky and 70 years out of date
me: i am something else sometimes.
also a test, but an absolutely hilarious one →
also have to test the description part.
mario bros!
July 2008
2 posts
US Lawmakers To Hold Capitol Hill Press Conference... →
please, god. thanks.
i ordered 5-meo-dmt(the stuff from venom toad licking) online from canada.
i had them ship it to my office address which is where i usually am when packages are delivered.
i had been expecting the package to come in a box from UPS or FedEX or some other carrier, so i didn’t think to sort through the mail when the mailman brought it in yesterday.
my boss who is a jehovah’s...
June 2008
4 posts
meat feast.
last night i went to a brazilian rodizio restaurant (basically an all you can eat meatfest [thats what she said] ) i stuffed my face with the most delicious food ever and then went into the bathroom and made myself throw up and ate a lot more. one of the pinnacles of my carnivorism.
My Jehovah’s Wittness boss has been unsuccessfully trying to find documentation on Transact Sql “CONVERT” command and I think thats just a little funny.
Facebanned.
It seems my facebook account has been disabled. Probably has something to do with my Exxon stunt, but who knows? I’m trying to get it reinstated, but if it doesn’t, it will make for a better story…so I can’t really lose.
About a month ago, I created a “free gallon of gas @ exxon” event on facebook. The tagline for the event was “EXXONerated” which I thought was hilarious. I invited everyone I knew more or less and for the first two weeks the group membership stopped at 200 people or something small like that. The date for the event was June 1st 2008. I had forgotten about the event, but...
May 2008
14 posts
Watchwhasted at 3:30pm in philly trying to find out where the bottle of jager went.
Animal Pharm by Patrick Moberg →
I love these series and just recently sent a message to Patrick Moberg himself suggesting a few more possible rapper/animal combinations. Some of them were: Method Manatee T.I. ger RUN DMC-gull Akongaroo Fifty Centaur Funkmaster Rex Snoop Dogg(no change needed lol) Vanilla Lice (EWWWW) and a few more.
Hidden In Plain Vue
I got cut off by a Saturn Vue today, so when the opportunity came up, I passed it on the left and said “View this” and flipped em the bird and promptly sped away.
English Injection
bogdonkey: When the area surrounding the anus, also known as the taint, becomes thoroughly damp and increasingly uncomfortable due to varying conditions such as hot weather, intense physical activity, or just being obese. Example: “i got maaaaad bogdonkey after playing basketball in the sahara desert in 100 degree weather” Synonyms: swamp ass Source: cuban luis, NJ
“Boners: Nature’s Belts”
number of days i’ve been home since buying a cowprint cowboy hat in vegas: 2 number of days i’ve gotten out of the shower and worn my cowboy hat naked: 2
Blow Your Mind
So…I have never ever had any interest in doing coke. I have been offered many, many times and have very easily responded no. Just not my thing. But… I set out to Vegas with the intention of doing it there. Only once in my life and why not in one of the filthiest, most degenerate places on the globe? I did it. Alone(Walter was not down and he had left when I managed to do it) and it...
“i’m back.”
“i forgot to mention i’m going to las vegas for the first time this last...”
Sex Limit
I think the shortest amount of time for which people can consider sex to be good for is 7 minutes and 49 seconds. Why? That is the duration of Lennon’s “I Want You ( She’s so Heavy)” and I personally feel this song is so insanely sensual that it should be the standard as previous mentioned. In fact, this song is so sensual that I listened to this song on the bus ride to...
dear nutley police officer who pulled me over,
dearblankloveluis: You noticed i was on my phone and rightfully pulled me over. I was scared shitless because: a) i was still high from a previous smoking venture b) i didn’t have my most recent insurance card in the glove compartment c) i had an ounce of marijuana in my trunk. Thank you for letting me off with a warning, even after you saw I didn’t have my most recent insurance card. All my...
This Selection Is Cigged
My mom has been a lifelong smoker and for about as long as I can remember I have unsuccessfully been asking her to stop smoking. Also, my mom had open-heart surgery about a month ago or so. Today, it suddenly dawned on me that because of the surgery, it has now been a month ago since she last had a cigarette and I was rather happy about that when I realized it. Later on after I had this moment at...
you say tomato, i say tomato.
yesterday katie was referring to her ex-boyfriend and said “fuck tim” but i heard it as “fucked him” while still completely aware of what she was trying to say.
Hamrock n' Roll
I decided to refer to my hammock as “rock and roll” because I usually rock back and forth in it and then roll off onto my bed when i’m done, therefore, ROCK AND ROLL.
April 2008
39 posts
Sillycide
Today I considered committing suicide. Not because I’m depressed. Actually, because it would be the only way to guarantee that I die as happy as I am feeling right now.
Candlelit Dinner Dishes
The power went out today right in the middle of cleaning my apartment today. Determined to finish cleaning in an appropriate length of time, I said fuck it and lit the only candle I had and washed my dishes by the candle light.
Musician Challenge
candywrapper: Using only song names from one artist, cleverly answer these questions… no repeating song names… Artist: Beatles 1. Are you a male or female? — Mr. Moonlight 2. Describe your self — You Can’t Do That 3. Describe your day — A Day in the Life 4. Describe where you currently live — Nowhere Man 5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go? — Octopus’ Garden 6. Your best...